Jimmy Buffet had it right . . . right song, but wrong location.  

Margaritaville may be a great place to drink, but Literaryagentville is the place to get drunk! 

     Margaritaville may be a great place to drink, but Literaryagentville is the place to get drunk!  Step on all the pop-tops you want to, and blow out your flip-flops ’til you run out of feet, but just one visit to Literaryagentville can waste away your writing skills forever!

     Look at it this way:  You spend years writing and fine-tuning a riveting tale of adventure, the story of your dreams.  In your mind’s eye, you’ve already got Ryan Gosling and Danny Devito in lead roles.  There’s nothing else like it out there.  It’s a grammatical masterpiece.  Not even a dangling participle (similar to Florida ballot box hanging chads, for those not in the know).  The pacing tops any Triple Crown winner.  The character development makes JImmy Durante (God love him) pale by comparison.  The plot shames John Grisham and J.IK.Rowling in a tag-team match. 

     But, no.  None of that matters, say they in Literaryagentville. 

     It’s the one-page query letter that separates the hacks from the Pulitzer winners.  It’s the query letter that encapsulates your entire seventy to ninety thousand words in a sentence or two, that allows you at least another sentence or two to present some version of your bio.  Funny how even a complete dolt could use more space than that. 

     Then, oh yes, there is, first and foremost, the make-it-or-break-it introductory section of the query letter.  This part deals with how flatteringly you can ass-kiss the recipient Literaryagentville resident by explaining why you’re relying on the insanely masterful judgment of this one and only most outstanding human being to represent your unworthy seven-year effort to some arrogant, snot-nosed publisher.   

     Sooooooo, a masochistic pursuit you say?  Well, sure.  Don’t all writers enjoy beating themselves up?                         halalpiar