Jun 04 2014

BUSINESS OWNER MIXED MESSAGES

When is a pat on the back

                                              

  really a kick in the butt?

A client tells you your service is great, then complains about it later to others. Assuming nothing changed along the way to erode the value of your praiseworthy performance, your sense of anguish may simply be the result of of a mixed message. Mixed messages find their way into everyday business exchanges with increasing regularity.

“Pretty good job . . . for a woman!” is a typical example. “You’re doing this the right way, but you need to slow down and think it through better!” is another. Have you ever heard something like: “We need to move forward with plans to collaborate, but not at the expense of our own department (division, team, group)?”

Mixed messages are nonproductive. Mixed messages often couch hidden agendas. Unlike much problem solving that requires “two to tango” and cannot be realistically addressed by a single entity alone, mixed message situations can be resolved by one person taking preventive measures. These include paraphrasing, note taking, feedback, diagramming, and offering/ requesting examples. 

1)  PARAPHRASING. Instead of simply taking statements at face value and then squirming with them later, ask: “Do I understand you correctly to mean . . . (and repeat back what you think you heard, using your own words)?”

2)  NOTE TAKING. The biggest problem with note taking is that most people do not take notes. And even when they do, they fail to directly request the speaker to allow for it. “Would you mind please slowing down on (or repeating) that point for me  so I can make note of it because I don’t want to forget what you said.” is not just called for; it’s flattering to the speaker. But write it!!

3)  FEEDBACK. Speakers need to pause periodically and take inventory: “How are we doing here so far? Do you have any questions? Is all of this information clear?” Listeners need to politely interrupt periodically and take inventory: “Excuse me. Can we take a ‘Time Out’ minute here to summarize this last bit of information? I want to make sure I understand what you mean.” Write it!!

4)  DIAGRAMS. When speaker or listener is not 100% sure that communications are clear, ask for a diagram of the information; arranging keywords and ideas visually helps ensure accuracy, and can often illuminate a new perspective.

5)  EXAMPLES. Ask for them. Very few exchanges of information fail to become transparently clear when examples are offered and discussed.

Getting tangled up in miscommunication can be frustrating, annoying, and stressful. One person who is determined to “get it right” the first time, and who is willing to accept that it may take longer and be more work, will ultimately experience greater accuracy in dealing with others, and accuracy spells success.                               

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 Hal@BUSINESSWORKS.US  or comment below.

Thanks for visiting. Go for your goals! God Bless You!

Make today a GREAT Day for someone!

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Sep 08 2012

MIXED MESSAGES

When is a pat on the back

                                              

actually a kick in the butt?

A client tells you your service is great, then complains about it later to others. Assuming nothing changed along the way to erode the value of your praiseworthy performance, your sense of anguish may simply be the result of of a mixed message. Mixed messages find their way into everyday business exchanges with increasing regularity.

“Pretty good job . . . for a woman!” is a typical example. “You’re doing this the right way, but you need to slow down and think it through better!” is another. Have you ever heard something like: “We need to move forward with plans to collaborate, but not at the expense of our own department (division, team, group)?”

Mixed messages are nonproductive. Mixed messages often couch hidden agendas. Unlike much problem solving that requires “two to tango” and cannot be realistically addressed by a single entity alone, mixed message situations can be resolved by one person taking preventive measures. These include paraphrasing, note taking, feedback, diagramming, and offering/ requesting examples. 

1)  PARAPHRASING. Instead of simply taking statements at face value and then squirming with them later, ask: “Do I understand you correctly to mean . . . (and repeat back what you think you heard, using your own words)?”

2)  NOTE TAKING. The biggest problem with note taking is that most people do not take notes. And even when they do, they fail to directly request the speaker to allow for it. “Would you mind please slowing down on (or repeating) that point for me  so I can make note of it because I don’t want to forget what you said.” is not just called for; it’s flattering to the speaker. But write it!!

3)  FEEDBACK. Speakers need to pause periodically and take inventory: “How are we doing here so far? Do you have any questions? Is all of this information clear?” Listeners need to politely interrupt periodically and take inventory: “Excuse me. Can we take a ‘Time Out’ minute here to summarize this last bit of information? I want to make sure I understand what you mean.” Write it!!

4)  DIAGRAMS. When speaker or listener is not 100% sure that communications are clear, ask for a diagram of the information; arranging keywords and ideas visually helps ensure accuracy, and can often illuminate a new perspective.

5)  EXAMPLES. Ask for them. Very few exchanges of information fail to become transparently clear when examples are offered and discussed.

Getting tangled up in miscommunication can be frustrating and annoying, and stressful. One person who is determined to “get it right” the first time, and who is willing to accept that it may take longer and be more work, will ultimately experience greater accuracy in dealing with others, and accuracy spells success.                               

 

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HAL ALPIAR Writer/Consultant  302.933.0911 TheWriterWorks.com, LLC
 National Award-Winning Author & Brand Marketer – Record Client Sales

Open Minds Open Doors

Make today a GREAT day for someone!

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Jul 14 2011

Do I? Do I What?

Do I understand you

                                  

  correctly to mean…? 

                               

 Can you give me

                    

an example?

          

When you’re not 100% sure that you fully understand the meaning and intent of someone’s words, ask paraphrasing-type questions

. . . and ask for examples.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Asking these two questions is evidence of quality leadership. Because true leaders listen. Paraphrasing and asking for examples are key indicators of effective listening. The responses clarify. The responses help ensure accurate two-way communications, and they help prevent errors and misunderstandings.

Simply by posing these two questions (plus this one), leaders can help agitated people (e.g., upset employees, irate customers, impatient investors) to jet down. The asking alone serves to build trust, loyalty, teamwork, and promote open innovative exchanges. It also, by the way (but not unimportantly), reassures, flatters, and compliments.   

Used correctly, paraphrasing is equally effective in personal life as well as business. Business partners, employer/employee and parent/child relations, teacher/student, married and unmarried couples and family relationships can all benefit by using paraphrasing.

It is, in effect, a clarification checkpoint practice that works. 

                                                       

What does “used correctly” mean? Process. Dynamics. The process and dynamics of asking the questions — the how, when, where, and circumstances; the nature of the people involved; the nature of the actions to be taken or tasks to be done– all have a bearing on the value of the outcome. How you ask. Your tone of voice. Your posture.

Yes, some could see this kind of attention to communication detail as a lot of unnecessary work. Those people are choosing to feel threatened by the intrusion of having to expend extra energy and time (yes, it will take more time that “normal” for a meeting or phone call or e-exchange) to get stuff right the first time instead of on a re-visit.

If you’re not presently building these kinds of questions into your daily practice of leadership –business, home, professional practice, community organization, classroom makes no difference– put it to the test. You will find, inside of just three weeks, major improvement at many levels, including increased receptivity.

You can greatly enhance the prospects for yourself to succeed with this challenge by adding note taking to your listening time. If you think it makes people feel good to be asked if you’ve understood something correctly, or to provide an example, wait ’til you see their faces when you start jotting down what they say.

Back to the agitated communicators, when you can also ask someone: “Would you mind please slowing down (or repeating what you just said) so I can make some reminder notes for myself to be sure I don’t miss any of the important things you say, I will appreciate it. Now if I understand you correctly to mean…?” You defuse the upset.

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Hal@Businessworks.US  

  Open minds open doors. 

 Thanks for visiting and God bless you.

   Make today a GREAT day for someone! 

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May 12 2011

Can You Hear Me Now?

Entrepreneurs and Leaders

                         

Who Listen 

                                        

Win Big in Tough Times 

STEPS TO IMPROVE YOUR LISTENING SKILLS NOW

 

Do you hear what I hear? Listen, do you want to know a secret? Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend Me Your Ears! The Listening Audience. I’m all ears!

 

You can’t be a better listener just because you decide to listen more. You must also decide to keep quiet. And those who excel at listening skills will tell you that you must actually use a pen and paper (you DO remember what they are?) and write down notes about what you hear. Paraphrasing is critical. So are observation skills.

Plus, taking notes flatters any speaker.

Let’s hit on some key points:

                                             

1. PARAPHRASING —“Do I understand you correctly to mean…?” and “What I think I hear you saying is…!” are the most effective and most commonly used sets of words for rephrasing some one’s comments. When you do this, you are in effect checking to make sure that you accurately understand what the speaker intends.

Yes, it takes more time. Yes, it can be harder than assuming. But–in the end– it’s like the carpenter/surgeon slogan: measure twice and cut once. It’s an insurance policy on transmitting accuracy.

2. OBSERVING — You need not be a kinetics expert to see that the body language that accompanies the words spoken either confirms or contradicts what is being said.

Someone who claims a willingness to cooperate with you, but whose arms are crossed is responding defensively regardless of what words she or he uses. Hands on hips, or clasped behind the head are signals of superiority. So is the joining of fingertips on both hands.

(The challenge is to make these postures change without directly addressing them.)

3. NODDING AND VERBAL UTTERANCES — Generally (unless they’re overdone) these physical responses indicate agreement and that the individual involved is paying attention. Not a bad idea to nod and make some positive sounding “um’s” occasionally when you want someone to know you’re tuned in, and in the boat, so to speak.

Equally commitive signals are leaning forward, sitting forward, feet flat on the floor without jiggling, and both hands flat on the table. A jiggling foot or leg indicates that someone’s anxious to get out, get away, finish up.

4. ASKING QUESTIONS — People will know you are interested and engaged when you ask good questions along the way . . . not questions to trip somebody up, questions to learn more. Whenever it’s possible and makes sense and works to clarify, ask for examples. Ask for diagrams. Ask for demonstrations. Ask for samples. Ask.

5. MONITORING YOURSELF — Stay as close to the commonly accepted effective communicator guidelines of speaking 20% of the time and listening 80% of the time. (Asking questions helps.) Take some deep breaths, especially when you start to feel impatient or edgy. Deep breathing helps you stay in control.

The dynamics of all the above apply equally to situations where you are not face-to-face. Telephone and video and webinar conferences are good examples of places to carry over the same disciplines. If you think about it, you’ll also see that similar applications are possible (and advisable) with written/email/text message communications. No, you can’t physically “see” another person, but you can sense and imagine based on responses you get.

If you work to listen better, you will hear 

more “cha-ching” in your cash register! 

                               

 

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hal@businessworks.US

STRATEGY/ CONTENT/ CONNECTION

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——————-

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Entrepreneurship & Expansion Coaching    931.854.0474

Go for your goals, thanks for your visit, God Bless You!

OPEN  MINDS  OPEN  DOORS

Make Today A Great Day For Someone!

 

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Mar 15 2010

Interviewing? (Be a Detective!)

No matter which end of

                                          

the interview

                            

you’re on…

                                                      

     Few things can feel more satisfying than to win over the person at the other end of an interview by taking quiet control with championship communication skills.

     Active listening, thoughtful speaking and careful observations pay big dividends in employee/employer screening and hiring interviews, as well as in day-to-day operations.

     Yes, it’s true that nothing beats a great handshake, neat appearance, good grooming, eye-contact, and a bright smile for openers. But once you’re seated, you need a new set of tools.

     And no matter which end of the interview you’re on, be careful to not blow off a great first impression with lousy body language.

     When you sit back in your seat (especially in a sprawl and/or with hands clasped behind your head) you are giving off a superiority attitude that no one likes, even if you happen to be superior.

     If your arms, legs, ankles, hands, wrists are folded, you are communicating defensiveness, which will not work to your advantage, even if you are feeling that way.

     Open-ended questions provide the most revealing answers:

  • “Tell me what’s important to you that’s not on this resume?

  • What would you do if I gave you a million dollars cash right this minute?

  • Who or what has made the biggest difference in your life and how did that happen?

  • What would make you choose situation A over situation B even though B would offer you more money? (or better benefits?)

  • What’s the hardest work situation you’ve ever had to deal with?

  • How did you get started in this business anyway?”

are all good examples.

     WHAT the answers are to these or any other questions are only 20% important. HOW the answers are delivered accounts for 80% of what’s important! How rushed or deliberate are the responses?

     How serious or humorous are the answers? If humor is included, is it disparaging or self-effacing? In good taste? Does eye-contact have a focal point or is it more like staring? Leering? Avoiding?

Resist the temptation to fill the air with words.

Silence is a very useful and telling tool as long as it doesn’t go past the point of being intimidating.

In the same context, note taking is always a powerful practice; it keeps your attention focused; it supplements your memory banks; it’s flattering.

                                                                

     Prompt, then listen. Never hesitate to clarify with paraphrasing (“Do I understand you correctly to mean . . . ?” Fill in your own words to check the meaning of something you’re in doubt about). Ask for examples. Ask for diagrams. Offer examples. Offer diagrams.

     Be careful with any job candidate who seems preoccupied with issues involving compensation, insurance, vacations, sick days, personal timeoffs, overtime pay, time reporting, lunch and coffee breaks. If you’re a candidate, be careful of a prospective employer who doesn’t volunteer this information up front.  

     When you can be prepared to the point where the interview is something you look forward to, you are likely to be ready to communicate effectively no matter which end of it you’re on. When you can be a detective during the interview, and make adjustments along the way, you’ll be increasing your odds for success regardless of whether you’re asking or answering.   

Hal@BUSINESSWORKS.US 

Thanks for visiting. Go for your goals! God Bless You!

Make today a GREAT day for someone! 

One response so far

Jan 16 2010

(more) Small Business COMMUNICATIONS…

Humility Beats Flattery

                                                                                                            

     Sure, it’s nice to give and receive flattering comments — when they’re sincere. Trouble is that truly genuine sincerity is about as rare as a flock of spotted owls landing on your Uncle Sid’s satellite dish.

     Humility, on the other hand, is internally driven and –by its very nature — never questioned for authenticity. Contrary to Hollywood’s overblown theatrics, humility is not a simply silent behavior that requires a reverently bowed head, hat-in-hand, innocently blinking eyes presentation. Humility is an active choice.

     Both words (humility and flattery) are over 700 years old.

     “Humility” at Dictionary.com is defined as the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or modest estimate of one’s own importance, rank, etc… humbleness.

     “Flattery” is defined as excessive, insincere praise; fawning; pandering.

     So how would you categorize the last time you exercised these behaviors in your dealings with associates? With employees? With Customers? Vendors and suppliers? Referrers? Within your industry or profession? Your community?

     What did each incident get you? I’m willing to bet the ranch that your humbleness outperformed your pandering in terms of triggering positive responses … 100% of the time! Would that be an accurate assessment?

     So what’s preventing you from choosing the winning behavior more often?

     The answer to that question is: YOU!

     It is an active and conscious choice to deal with others in a sincere or insincere manner.

     Choosing humility translates to giving genuine credit to where genuine credit is due, even when you may not like or agree with the source, and this especially applies to those who work for and with you.

     It also means being careful to not underestimate the performance capabilities or the sincerity of others, again especially of employees.

     How can you best accomplish these ends?

  • By listening 80% of the time.

  • By paraphrasing what you just heard, in your own words, and checking with the source to make sure you have a clear understanding of the other person’s thinking and intent, and that you’re not imposing your own bias into other’s ideas and suggestions.

  • By asking for examples, to better clarify statements.

  • By taking notes so you can

    • Sleep on it when time allows

    • Recover where you left off when you get interrupted (which can sometimes last hours or days)

    • Accurately reflect other’s comments and credit them appropriately

    • Build others’ self-esteem; when you jot down notes of their comments (and, by the way, directly ask them to slow down so you can keep accurate notes), you are quietly saying that you value and appreciate others and their ideas.              

                                       

Bottom LIne: 

Don’t think that because you may already have a successful business, that you have all the answers. Odds are you may simply have been lucky to get to where you are, and that you really don’t have ANY answers.

Regardless of what you believe, you and your business can only stand to benefit by listening carefully — and with a strong sense of humility — to what those who surround you have to say. My best guess is that you’ll surprise yourself!

                                                     

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Hal@Businessworks.US  302.933.0116

Open Minds Open Doors

Many thanks for your visit and God Bless You.

Make today a GREAT day for someone!

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May 05 2009

HEARING IS NOT LISTENING

Effective Communications

 

Requires EFFORT!

 

If you’re willing to put out the extra effort because clear, concise and accurate communications is important to you and your business, be prepared to take a more active listening role. As you may need to project yourself more assertively, be equally conscious of the need to become a better listener.

Resist the temptation to skip ahead in your mind while someone else is speaking. Stop trying to imagine what’s next and, perhaps even worse, stop reviewing in your mind over and over what has already been said. You can always check that later, or simply interrupt to request a once-over on the part you missed or didn’t understand.

When your mind races ahead of what’s being said, or drags behind to mull over something that has already passed by, you miss the present moment and the statements that are being made, as well as the nuances of expression and intonations that give the words their true meaning. You must work at staying focused and not allowing your mind to drift.

How can you keep your listening and comprehension skills on the front burner? Follow these four simple rules of good listening:

  1. TAKE DEEP BREATHS. Just as flames die without oxygen, so will your ability to keep focused on the present moment die out when your “normal” way of breathing fails to get enough oxygen to your brain. By deep breathing (which no one needs to notice if you practice it enough), you will also be prompted to not cross your arms or legs or hands…all signals that subconsciously tell the speaker that you are mentally “closed off” and not receptive; often these nonverbal signals communicate defensiveness as well.

  2. TAKE NOTES. Writing down what you hear keeps your brain uncluttered by getting the words from the speaker through your ears, into your brain and down your arms into your hands and fingers and onto paper (or your keyboard, if appropriate for the setting and circumstances). You can keep your notes and look at them anytime without the distraction or taxing of your memory that occurs when you carry the comments or instructions around in your mind like a ping-pong ball lottery drum filled with tumbling numbers. Taking notes helps you listen more carefully.

  3. MAINTAIN GOOD EYE CONTACT. It’s a fact that just as you can “hear” a smile, you can “see” what you hear in person. In other words, good eye contact (not staring) communicates attention and interest. You will also absorb more of what the speaker really means by the words used, by watching for gestures and facial expressions in the process. Can you look in the mirror and tell yourself how happy you are while actually communicating something else with your face, hands and posture?

  4. PARAPHRASE WHAT YOU HEAR by repeating back what you got from it in your own words, and in the form of a question. “Do I understand you correctly to mean that…?” (finish the question with your own words, interpreting what you think you understood). “If I understand you correctly, you’re saying…is that right?” works fine too. The speaker will be flattered. Asking for examples is another great technique.

The point is to take responsibility for listening carefully and taking notes and repeating back things to clarify and make sure that what is said is what you heard. It’s YOUR job to be sure that YOU’RE right, right?

# # #

Hal@Businessworks.US or 931.854.0474

“The price of freedom is eternal vigilance!” [Thomas Jefferson]

Thanks for visiting. Go for your goals.

Make today a GREAT day for someone!

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Dec 02 2008

BOSSES, SPOUSES, AND SALESPEOPLE . . .

Be kinder than necessary

                                             

because everyone

                                                 

you meet is fighting

                                

some kind of battle!

     I know, I know, I promised more today on listening skills.  Well the number one rule of listening for many people and many professions is to use empathy, and that’s what this heading is all about. 

     Empathy is mentally putting yourself in another person’s shoes.  It is a step up from sympathy, or feeling sorry for someone, because empathy implies active involvement.

Of course there’s more, a lot more, to active listening skills than being empathetic, but I relate strongly to the message of the heading, so I’m leaving it there while I take you down another listening skill path: paraphrasing!

“If I understand you correctly, you are saying that . . .” or “What I think I hear you saying is . . .” or “Do I understand you to mean . . .? are three excellent lead-ins to use when paraphrasing (putting your “take” on a statement into your own words) something someone else has just said.  Why would you do this?  To make SURE that you got the opinion or information or directions right!

This paraphrasing device, by the way, when it’s delivered in a persistently unemotional, understanding tone of voice, has great value in defusing moments of conflict.  It forces a person who’s just tossed out an emotional barrage of complaints to hear how their words have come across to someone else in a non-threatening and non-confrontative way.

  Paraphrasing serves to slow down the rush of upset, and often prompts the other person to reconsider or at least to better explain the issues.  It sets a stage for the upset person to talk more, and often to be more careful and reasoned.

   We’ve all heard that (especially in sales, customer service, counseling, consulting, and marriage ) we need to try to speak 20% of the time and listen 80% of the time.

This may be a challenging prescription, but speaking and listening are behaviors.  We choose our behaviors.  We also choose to be challenged or we can choose to be accepting.

Water flows best downhill.  Choose the easy route.  Just tell yourself to “Listen up!” [Taking notes ALWAYS helps, and flatters as well.  “Would you please speak a little slower (or repeat that) so I can jot it down; I want to make sure I get it right!” works wonders in terms of ensuring full understanding and in boosting the other person’s ego.]

On the flip side, ask someone who’s just unloaded a barrage of concerns to help you sort them out by writing them down, one at a time, and assigning a #1 for most important and #2 for next most important, etc. to each item — and then proceed to address (chew and digest) each issue separately and exclusively, beginning with #1.

Odds are pretty good you’ll never get past the first two or three items on the list before the complainant withdraws the remaining ones or backs off the initial sense of fury, or both.  Either way, you have nothing to lose by trying, except miscommunications and upsets.

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Hal@Businessworks.US or 931.854.0474

 “The price of freedom is eternal vigilance!” [Thomas Jefferson]

Thanks for visiting. Go for your goals. God Bless You.

Make today a GREAT day for someone!

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