Apr 22 2010

Resentment Batters Family Business

“You’ve been a


pain in the butt


ever since


you were born!”



     You own, operate or manage a family business. God Bless You. Now let’s get down to reality. Odds are that you, or at least someone you work with, harbors resentment. And those upset feelings are getting in the way of business growth, perhaps survival. When we collect negative feelings about someone else, resentment is usually the accompanist.

     Resentment often takes the form of a demand that the other person feel guilty. In the classic Addison-Wesley book Born To Win, authors James and Jongeward suggest, “When you become aware that your resentment is growing, handle each situation as it occurs and with whom it occurs rather than collecting and holding your feelings, and perhaps cashing them in for a big prize or on an ‘innocent’ person.”

     The world renown educator/counselor/co-authors recommend the following steps for dealing effectively with resentment:

  • “Try to talk the problem over with whoever is bugging you.

  • When you attempt this, avoid accusing the other.

  • Tell the other person how the situation is affecting you. Use the pronoun ‘I’ instead of an accusative ‘you.’ [For example, ‘I don’t like smoke; it bothers me,’ instead of  ‘You’re really thoughtless the way you blow your smoke around.’]”

  • Remembering that the solution to any group problem lies within the group, James and Jongeward go on to urge that in a family group, it is helpful to set up “resentment and appreciation sessions,” which they point out need to have specific rules. Here is how they define that process:

  • “Each person in turn verbally states the resentments he holds against the others; (it is important that the others listen but do not defend themselves. The statements of resentment are to be let out but not reacted to.)

  • After resentments have been stated, each person tells the others what he appreciates about them.”

     When first learning how to conduct this kind of session, do it daily. After it can be done with ease, stretch it to weekly.

     In some working situations, resentment and appreciation sessions can be useful, “particularly where people work together closely and personal irritations occur easily. If it is tried, all members should agree to a trial period — say two months.” At the end of this period, the usefulness of the procedure can be re-evaluated. If “participants decide to continue, they could decide on adaptations and establish regular session times, like meeting once every two or three weeks,” or whatever seems “practical.”

     It should go without saying that an outside professional facilitator or family business coach can play an important role in establishing and moderating this kind of program. The more structured and enforced the process, the more likely it is to eliminate or minimize nonproductive ill feelings and be able to help produce positive results.

     Is all of this easy? Probably not. Does it take time? Yes. Is the risk reasonable? If everyone involved is agreeable to pursue positive and productive solutions, yes. Should you try it on your own? Possibly, if you are not personally involved in the resentment exchanges, or directly related to those who are, and have a firm but compassionate leadership quality.  

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Thanks for visiting. Go for your goals! God Bless You!

Make today a GREAT day for someone! 

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Mar 25 2010

Seeking Success? BE SELFISH!

When it all looks like


it’s crumbling down


 around you–get selfish!


     Selfish . . . as in Piggy? No . . . as in oriented toward your SELF!

     You can’t control government except at election time. You can’t control irate customers who give you fits trying to nickle and dime you at every turn. You can’t control what goes on behind your back unless you never turn your back. You can’t control a lot of people and situations in your business and personal life. But you CAN control YOU! 

     What you say and think and do is entirely your choice, and entirely under your control. (If you doubt this and are ready to shoot back examples to the contrary, examine your examples. Odds are 100 out of 100 that you made a conscious or unconscious choice to set yourself up to not have a choice, but -ALWAYS – there is or was a choice. Take advantage of how you can use that information now, today!) 


HOW you respond to someone or something that’s out of your control is within your control.


     So stop choosing to think that everyone else is pushing your button. No one can reach inside your brain and control how you think.

     The great motivational theory and studies psychologist Abraham Maslow focused his attention on the path and process of self-actualization. In addition to using their own intellects and talents, Maslow said that self-actualizing people take responsibility for others as well as themselves and (according to James and Jongeward in their classic book, Born To Win), “have a childlike capacity for awareness and pleasure.”

     The authors proceed to note that “these individuals customarily have some mission in life, some task to fulfill, some problem outside themselves which enlists much of their energies … they work within a framework of values that are broad and not petty, universal and not local, and in terms of a century rather than a moment … have a wonderful capacity to appreciate again and again, freshly and naively, the basic goods of life with awe, pleasure, wonder, and even ecstasy, however stale these experiences may have become to others.”

     If you’ve let outside influences under your skin, it may be time to appreciate more what you already have in life and to take stock in whether those around you are contributing to your growth and happiness, and to the growth and success of your business — or are they detracting from it?

     Exerting your own sense of self-actualization can influence others to change negative thoughts and behaviors and directions, but — more importantly — it will serve to boost your own rockets and reinforce that you’re not such a bad “gal” or “guy” after all.

     You have enormous powers to turn things around when you decide to consistently apply your strengths to what’s in your face or on your plate. Keep outside influences outside.

     Draw instead from your own inner strength and the inner strength of your business, and from those who live inside your inner circle. Making decisions and conducting yourself from inside yourself is a better, happier, healthier choice every time.  

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Hal@Businessworks.US or 302.933.0116

“The price of freedom is eternal vigilance!” [Thomas Jefferson] 

Thanks for visiting. Go for your goals. God Bless You.

Make today a GREAT day for someone!

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Aug 08 2009


So you had bad toilet training


as a child. So what?


     Imagine what this world would be like  without hidden agendas. Okay, maybe you can’t change the world. Imagine what your business would be like without hidden agendas? Your life?

“Man is not totally at the mercy of either his heredity or his environment, He can modify both.” It starts with increasing “a person’s awareness of the real power he has to direct his own life, to make decisions, to develop his own ethical system, to enhance the lives of others, and to understand that he was born to win.” 

Excerpts from the Preface of BORN TO WIN by Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward

     Here’s the deal:  Psychological “game-playing” (often unconsciously provoked) has been defined by psychology icons Dr. Eric Berne and Dr. Frederick Perls as a series of transactions or communication exchanges (often repetitive) with a hidden motive or agenda.

     These “game” exchanges,  which may seem innocent and perfectly rational on the surface, can have extremely destructive mental and emotional consequences. “They prevent honest, intimate and open relationships” at home and on the job, say author/therapists James and Jongeward.

     They go on  to point out that we “wear many masks and have many forms of armor” that keep our true selves confined and unknown, even to ourselves. The possibility of encountering our own reality–learning about ourselves– can be “frightening and frustrating.”

     Many of us,  say James and Jongeward, “expect to discover the worst” when we set out on a path of self-exploration, “and a hidden fear lies in the fact that we may also discover the best.”

     To discover the worst  means we must “face the decision of whether or not to continue in the same patterns” of behavior, they say, and “To learn the best is to face the decision of whether or not to live up to it.”

     Because either discovery  may involve change, it is anxiety-provoking, which can be good or bad, depending on how we use the information and exercise the change.

     It all comes down to  making a conscious choice to learn more about what makes you tick so you can minimize game-playing, recognize it in others and not play, be better able to generally run a healthier more productive business… and experience a healthier and happier personal life in the process.

     What have you got to lose?  Finding out you had bad toilet training when you were three years-old? So what? Choose to make the reality of your present moment your focus, and watch the joy that comes to the surface, and stays! 

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Input aways welcome: Hal@TheWriterWorks.com (”Businessworks” in    subject line) or comment below. Thanks for visiting. Go for your goals, good night and God bless you! halalpiar  

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Jun 16 2009

“There’s no business like YOUR business…”





     In case you may have started thinking the whole world’s joined forces with the government to push your business off the rooftop, STOP! Maybe they have all joined forces with the government; I’ll grant you that possibility.

     Even if the whole world is not actually involved, there IS certainly some truth to be said for the government’s strangulation taxes and requirements to comply with the bombardment of over-regulations that threaten and seek to control small businesses.

     But, guess what? You can put a stop to it!

     HOW TO STOP IT: First, step back from the upset feelings and take a deep breath: http://halalpiar.com/2009/05/4-steps-in-one-minute-zero-stress/ 

     Next, accept the fact that you are you and in all the world, there is no one else exactly like you. You are unique. Got it? No? RE-read the boldfacing again. Go ahead. I’ll wait right here for you. Got it now? Good. Believe it? If no, you may want to explore some therapy options. If yes, then take the leap of faith to the next level:  

     If you can accept what you just read, then it should be a no-brainer that the business you own or manage or the part of a business you own or manage is also unique. Why? Simple. YOU are unique and YOU are running it! YOU control the day-to-day activities, and what takes place is YOUR choice. Your behavior and your attitude are YOUR choice. What you decide to do with and about your business is YOUR choice. 

     Leave the victim role to Atlas in Greek Mythology; he took the whole world on his shoulders. [For more on the victim “Poor Me” role that many business owners insist on playing, see the great old Gestalt Psychology classic book, BORN TO WIN, by Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward. I promise that even now, 40 some-odd years later, it will astound your sensibilities about what makes people choose so many self-destruct directions in life.

     If you continue to worry, check this post for reassurance: http://halalpiar.com/2009/05/stress-kills-sales-quicker-than-the-economy/

     The bottom line is that there simply IS NO OTHER BUSINESS like your business because yours is the business that reflects your uniqueness.

     So choose to rise above the rubble and the unfairness and the shortsighted incompetence of government. Extract yourself from the mire of those around you who choose to wallow in self-pity and act defeatist and negative.

     Choose instead to surround yourself with positive people and thoughts and appreciation for the differences you bring to your company and industry and community tables. Make them work FOR you!  

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Input welcome anytime: Hal@TheWriterWorks.com (”Businessworks” in the subject line) or comment below. Thanks for visiting. Go for your goals, good night and God bless you! halalpiar  # # # 

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